A Grief Undeniable

Y’all. It’s been quite a long time since I could say that I was genuinely happy about my lot in life. Is everything perfect? Absolutely not. But I came into 2020 on a new frequency. I decided that this was my decade (or my year, if you’re that kind of person). I’m not settling for second best when it comes to my marriage, work, or personal relationships. If it’s not for me, then I’m walking away and it’s as simple as that. Now I wish I could say the path to getting here was easy but it wasn’t; and it still isn’t. Because life goes on whether we’re ready to move on or not.

Halfway through 2019, I was defeated, jobless, and really trying to find my way. I made a promise to myself that I would put myself first. I needed to find myself; because somewhere between high school and college and then post-college, who I thought I was—died. I’ve been treading water ever since trying to find that woman I thought I would be. I spent most of last year grieving myself. Or at least the self I thought I would be by now. I was so disappointed in myself that I wasn’t graduating medical school or finishing a Master’s degree or working in a field that I felt gave me purpose. I was scrolling Instagram and seeing the cords and graduation caps of classmates and thinking, “What are you doing? What have you done?”

I didn’t realize the magnitude of my grief until I kept looking for a yoga routine one day. I scrolled past one entitled: “Yoga for Grief.” Although I felt drawn to it, day after day, I skipped it. Because I didn’t recognize the nagging on my soul was grief. When I finally decided to follow along with the video, I couldn’t stop crying. Every pose was releasing emotional tension in my muscles and in my heart that I thought didn’t exist. I had to pause multiple times just to finish the 15 minute routine. I had finally let myself grieve the woman I no longer wanted to be. I sat in the moment and let the picture of the perfect life that I had held so dear melt away with my fears. Who would I be now if not that woman?

Let this be the year that you reevaluate where you are, from where you thought you’d be. If you’re better off? Good. If you’re within reach? Good. If you’ve found yourself like me, write it down and then throw it away. Burn it, if you really want to feel the power of its hold leaving your soul. You are better than what/where/who you’d thought you’d be. That person doesn’t define your future. The person you are now does. Are you going to keep going or let the book end here? I believe our story deserves more.

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